wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
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