I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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