I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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