Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
