How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
