Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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