So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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