Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
