so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
