So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You can't motorboat a personality
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
