so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
