My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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