how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I need moral support for this bender
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
