and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i love accidental penises.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
