I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
