Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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