Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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