my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Hippo gnu deer
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
