I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
