i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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