Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
My cat gives me a boner
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
