So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
