We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
