Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
so much tequila, so little girl.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
there is puke in my bra ... again
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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