I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
