I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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