you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
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