My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i drank out of a bidet.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
