This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
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