i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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