I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
