Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
