My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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