I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
