lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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