i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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