You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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