I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
