you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
