She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
