Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
