I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
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