I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
