i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
