no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
