I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
