ya dads aren't the best wingmen
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
