No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
