I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
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