Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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