Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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