totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
