Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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