just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
