I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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